When We Made a Change in our Lives

Dear Ry, Kennel, and Bubba,

One year ago, Daddy and I came up with a crazy plan. We had decided for Dad to apply to a new job in a new place. We knew if he got this job, it would require him to go through a 20 week long academy full time. We came up with a plan, if he had to do this, I would take the kids to Utah to stay with Poppa and Grandmalissa for the entire time. It would be hard, but we could be away from each other and fly daddy down once a month to visit us. As we found out that he got the new job, this plan seemed crazier and crazier, but seemed that it was what we were supposed to do. So, we did it. We put our house up for rent, packed up all our stuff (everything except for clothes to take to Utah) and put it in a storage unit and off we went.

We drove away from Daddy and our family in our old city and I thought about how I wasn't sure that I could do this. It was going to be so hard. At the same time, I knew how necessary it was. This was the most crucial part to our plan to make things work in a new city after the summer was over. So we drove on.

We had the most fabulous summer. We got to make so many memories living next to all our Utah cousins. It was hot and we went swimming almost every day. We ate sno-cones and played outside. We had grass hopper races and competitions. Went to birthday parties for cousins who are normally living too far away to celebrate with. You took swimming lessons and realized that the water is not a scary place after all. We spent about 3 weekends with Daddy throughout the summer and those were fun weekends. We showed him temple square and met up with old friends. We walked along a gorgeous creek and got our feet wet. We showed him how you like to play in the swimming pool, and we all cried when we dropped him off at the airport. You danced on the fourth of July with your cousins while we waited for the fireworks. We went on picnics and played at the park. We went on a hike to the wild flowers. We went to some shows at the Shakespeare festival and ate more sno-cones. We had slumber parties with cousins and played dress up. All the while, sending as many pictures and videos to Dad because we missed him every day. It was HARD to do all of this without him but it was what we needed to do.

Before we could believe it, there we were at the end of our stay. Crying because we were leaving Grandma and Poppa, cousins, Aunts and Uncles.  Sad because we also would not be close enough to our old city where are other Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins were, yet happy because we get our Daddy back and our other Grandma and Grandpa back. We were headed somewhere new with a new house and new schools. We were headed to the light at the end of the tunnel. It used to be so far away that I doubted it would ever be visible. Now here we were, driving right to it.

We made it back. Got moved in to our new place and went off to see Daddy graduate from the academy. I think it's safe to say that him and I were both in denial this all was actually happening. At one point it all seemed so far away, and here we are right in the middle of it. I want to tell you about your dad. He is an amazing guy. I don't even know how to tell you how proud I am of him. He led his class into the early morning flag ceremony like it was something he'd been doing all his life. He called out commands and they all worked as a team flawlessly. Daddy made some lifelong friends in his class. Friends with goals like his, friends who have been through a tunnel like us waiting to make it to the light at the end. Daddy looks up to a lot of the members of his class. Later in the day was the graduation ceremony. Again, he led his class into the auditorium. They all stood in line and your dad was in the middle. Standing so proud and so happy. I was overwhelmed all day with the sense of accomplishment we had because of all the hard work we had done to get to this point. It seemed surreal. Daddy spoke to his class and did a fabulous job. At the end, Grandpa pinned the Police Department badge on Dad. I had to hold back the tears at the sense of relief I felt. We had done it.

On the drive home, Daddy and I kept saying how weird it was that we were done. It was over. WE DID IT! We stuck to our plan and didn't give up. Sometimes I feel like for the last 5 years, the universe was playing some kind of mean trick on us. things seemed to never be going our way. In the last year, Heavenly Father placed a path in front of us and lit it up. At times we doubted it was the right way for us, but every time we doubted, a small and simple reminder would pop out of no where to tell us it is the right way. I still get nervous that we will have another stroke of bad luck, but I have to remind myself that as long as we keep treading along and never give up, there will always be a pathway. It may become blurry at times, but I can clear my eyes and find it again.

Our crazy plan worked, we have a new life which will come with new challenges. We won't give up. This is what we are supposed to be doing for our family. We couldn't have done it without all the family around us. Both in Utah and in Washington. I love knowing that we aren't alone when we are faced with big choices, changes, and challenges.

 "Learn what we should learn, do what we should do, and be what we should be"

Thomas S. Monson.

Learn, Do, and Be.

Love,

Mom

Dearest Bubba

To my big two year old:

I can't remember what my life was like before we added 3 little Soptich's to our family. It seems like we have always had you guys with us. Rylin (Ra-Ra, according to you) is our positive thinker, our leader. Kendall (Nennol, also according to you) is our cuddler and girl looking to have a good time, you are our happy go lucky guy. How did we manage before we had these parts to our family????

You like to be acknowledged. You love to make eye contact with people and smile and wave and you don't feel satisfied until they respond to you. You are happy almost all the time. You like to keep us all on our toes.

You love tractors. When we see an empty tractor you cannot control yourself. You point and scream until some one (usually dad) turns the thing on and puts you on his lap and drives it around. It makes your whole entire day when you can ride on a tractor with Dad.

You love dogs. You call them "woo-woo's" and even though I have heard you say "Zeke" once or twice, you never ever call him that. For instance, tonight you thought he was going to steal some of your food so you told him in your firmest voice "woo-woo OUT!".

You have a new obsession with Mater's Tall Tale's and Cars. It is what you ask for from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to bed. When you are watching it, you tell everyone in proximity of the TV "ca,ca,ca" translation: "CAR CAR CAR!". You received some (okay ALOT) of Lightening McQueen paraphernalia for your birthday. Your favorite item is a shirt with the Cars characters on it. You cried last night and tried to pull it back down over your tubby belly as I tried to take it off to put pajamas on you.

You also love shoes. You can often be caught walking around the house with shoes on that don't belong to you. The best is when you are in a dirty onesie and a pair of Ry or Kendall's girly shoes (Don't tell dad!).

You love Face Timing with Dad. Right now, we are spending a few months in Utah with my mom and dad. We are lucky to be able to see Dad a lot on the computer and my phone. When we have him on my phone you take it out of my hands carry it around the house and you keep repeating "dada, dada, dada" as you show him things he can't see. You love your dad. You think he is the funniest guy around, we all do actually.

You love to give hugs and kisses. You think its funny to put your hands over your face and do a fake cry. Also you love it when I ask you if you can be my baby and you say "no" with a smile (your yes' and no's are a little mixed up right now, so you really mean yes!) and I cradle you like a teeny baby. You hold really still and stare at me while you try to not laugh. Last night after dinner you grabbed my hand and said "com'on" and walked me to the front door and we went outside while you showed me around the yard. You love to be outside. You currently call your Grandmas "bobpa" and your Grandpas "boppa". Every cup or drink is called a "ba ba", even if it is an empty adult cup. I could go on forever and ever about how adorable we think you are, but I will stop here because I think when you are 20 and reading this, you will get the point.

I want you to know that I think about your entrance into this world every day. It is such a huge part of who I am. It changed me. Two years later, I am still defining the different ways you changed my life. I want you to know that you have opened my eyes to things I know I could have never experienced otherwise. I use to be a little jealous of some experiences your dad had while he was on his mission, experiences with the Holy Ghost and the compassion of our Heavenly Father. I think that it was what he did while serving in Mexico that showed him these things. Also, I thought that I would always miss out on it a little because I never served a mission. I thought it was a part of my spiritual being that would never be completely fulfilled. I want you to know that you proved me wrong. You opened my eyes. You thinned the veil for me. I know now what it feels like to have the support and love of my Heavenly family. I felt it the entire time you were in the hospital. I want you to know that even though the veil isn't thin now like it was two years ago, I know what I need to do to feel that way again. I want you to know that I will always try to be close with Heaven like I was for those two months. I will do it for you, I will do it for your sisters and your Dad. I want you to know that you showed me what to search for and what presence I want to feel in my life. I want you to know that your father, your sisters and you keep me strong. You keep me going through these long days. You remind me it will all be worth it in the end. I love you so much Elijah and I love my little family.


Love, Mom

Realizing

I am going to tell you about when I realized how sick he really was. It didn't happen for a long time. It came in bits and pieces after the first few weeks of the NICU stay. That is when I began to piece together how close we came to losing our sweet baby boy.

As I have mentioned in other posts, the reason we ended up at the hospital was because I felt like he wasn't his normal rambunctious self, doing triple flips in my uterus and high kicks to my rib cage. So I ended up in Seattle, having a baby. Let me tell you, first, about Dr. Josh. He was one of a few important people who became Eli's saving grace. He made the executive decision to get Eli out when we did. He was smart and made the right choice. We visited a lot with Dr. Josh for the 4 days I was in the hospital recovering. He was the big man on campus. Finishing up with his residency with-in the next 6 weeks. He had "minions" who would check on his patients so he rarely saw mothers after the first day of their baby's birth. I mean, the dude delivered something like 1000 babies in a year, so he was busy. Luckily, we had a stockpile of licorice so we visited a lot with Dr. Josh for the 4 days I was in the hospital recovering. After I was discharged, he went about his business and we didn't see him for 6 more weeks. By this time, Eli was on the up and up. We were working on him feeding from a bottle so we could take him home. We remembered about Dr. Josh graduating soon so we stalked him and brought him a bin of licorice. He came to visit with Eli and I, he told me more about the day Eli was born. He told me that as soon as he walked into my hospital room, he knew instantly,without even hearing the whole story, that the baby had to be taken out via c-section and soon. He told me that after they got me set up in the operating room, he knew the baby wouldn't make it if they didn't act fast. They ended up performing what I think they called a "zero minute c-section". Dr. Josh told me that he knew Eli was special, looked me in the eyes and told me that Eli was dying when they pulled him out of me. How surprised he was to see Eli tubeless, no oxygen, weening from a feeding tube and no infections or long term issues. Hearing this from him, I wasn't shocked. It was what my gut instinct had told me and I knew it was the truth. I feel like we owe so much to that doctor. He listened to a prompting, he was comfort to me when I was alone in a hospital then room and the operating room. He had the light of Christ and I am sure is one of the best doctors ever to graduate from that school. During our conversation that evening in the NICU, I told him to thank his wife. She gave up so much of her time with her husband and her children's father. I hope she realizes that because of her sacrifice, she and her husband have given numerous women a chance to have their own children, alive and healthy.

Eli at 6 weeks with Dr. Josh

Confusion would not describe what you, as a parent of a preemie, feel. Especially in the first few weeks of your baby's life. I truly believe that you just put your head down and trudge through the mud. Not even knowing what you pass along the way. Let me tell you about another of the best doctors to ever work at that hospital: Dr. Maneesh. He was Eli's first neo-natologist and got him through the fight. The first time we went to rounds (where they discussed the health and care plan for our baby) Maneesh was amazing. It all seems like such a blur. 10 people sitting around a big desk, throwing around medical terms you don't understand. Talking to each other about the seriousness of certain things your child is facing at the time. Eli's list was long. His heart was enlarged, his bowels weren't working, his kidneys weren't working, his liver wasn't working. You know, only a few of his organs were actually functioning well. As all the medical staff was discussing his care, Maneesh stopped in the middle and looked Dustin and I in the eyes. He knew we were overwhelmed. He told us in plain terms what was happening. Eli's heart was enlarged but the function was well, he couldn't urinate because his kidneys had started to shut down before he was delivered, same with his bowels, his bilirubin was high and getting higher because his liver had also started to shut down before he was born. When you die, your body tries to preserve the "most important" parts. Usually the brain and the heart. Maneesh explained that Eli's heart was working overtime and most likely that was why it was enlarged, but they needed to keep and eye on it. He also explained that Eli was turning a dark dusky grey color and puffing up, starting with his stomach and then it began spreading up higher to his neck and down through his groin.   This is what they were most concerned about because there was nothing showing up on his blood tests. He had no infection, the most they could tell was that his bilirubin was high, but he was grey, not yellow. Let me tell you right now why we think Maneesh is so amazing. From that first day in rounds, and the next few, he told us that he believed Eli took a hard hit while he was still in utero. His body had began to shut down, now it needed to wake back up. He had the best people skills. It was like he knew what we were thinking and explained everything for us to understand it. He was not only Eli's saving grace, but ours as well. He was just so nice and we felt confident in the care he provided for our baby. He knew his stuff and knew what to do. In this case, it was hard because it was mostly a matter of waiting, Eli was pretty much in charge of "turning a corner" on his own. Maneesh was there to make sure Eli turned the right way and we were sure of that.  When he was about 2 weeks old, Eli had turned a corner. What we had all been waiting for. He was able to get breast milk though his feeding tube instead of just fluids, vitamins and such. He was breathing on his own. He was just beginning to grow. He was getting better. Maneesh came to visit me while I was sitting next to Eli. He told me how happy he was to be able to see Eli on his way to health. He told me that he honestly wasn't sure if this day would come. It made him happy. He knew he made the right choices with his team. After talking with me for a little bit, we discussed Eli being grey. He was the "grey baby". Now that his color was beginning to pink up, we talked about what caused it. It's not everyday that your child's doctor blatantly tells you that your baby was dying. They used gentler terms for us in Eli's first days of life, but hearing Maneesh say those specific words: Eli was dying when he was born, made me realize, again, how serious it was especially in the beginning.

This leads me to the nurses who helped Eli through his journey. They saw the entire thing. Specifcally the nurse he had on the day he was born, and also the few he had the days following that. When it came time to break Eli out of the NICU, they all seemed a little shocked. This baby was going home a week before his due date. Happens all the time. What doesn't happen all the time is a baby who was deathly ill at the beginning was going home with no tubes, no wires. He was small and mighty and nursed half of his feeds and took the others fully from a bottle. He had strong lungs. I had a little heart to heart with Heidi (the nurse who was with him when he was born) she "happened" :) to also be assigned to him on his last day in the hospital. I asked her to tell me how bad it was. At the beginning, how sick was he, what did I not see or know in the first days of my son's life. She was holding him, getting in her last snuggles. I will never forget the way she looked at me and calmly said "it was bad." I knew what she meant with those three words.

Eli with Heidi at 8 weeks

Eli beat the odds. He is meant to be with us. We ended his first year with a long walk at the March of Dimes, March for Babies. It was an emotional day for me because it was also his first birthday. This walk re-emphasized that some babies don't beat the odds. Though, for some reason, ours did. We realize everyday how much we need him in our family. I can't close this entry with out emphasizing how much these people mean to us. The doctors, the nurse-practioners, the nurses. They all stood by us and watched a miracle take place. I consider these people a part of my family because if it weren't for them, my family would not be whole.

Eli enjoying life. He'll be 2 in a few months.