Dear Sir Bubba Pants

You did it! You are 1! To celebrate turning one, you decided to get pneumonia. That's right. On Monday, you had a super runny nose. On Tuesday you started hacking up a lung. Wednesday morning, you spiked a fever I took you to the doctor, on Thursday to find out that not only did you have a pretty sweet case of pneumonia, you got an overnight stay in the hospital. It was so much fun. After the nurses got your IV started in the crook of your arm, the IV pump decided to beep every 15 minutes until a nurse came to reset it. For the whole entire time you were hooked up. Even all night. It was awesome. I may have silenced the alarms a time or two. A student nurse may have came in and asked me how I did it. You slept good that night for the first time all week. They had started fluids and also an antibiotic. I tried to enjoy your warm body sleeping on me since you are so busy these days.

My snuggle times with you these day are few and far between. You only let me rock you to sleep maybe once a week. On the other nights you like to tornado out of my arms and off my lap, earning you a trip to your bed so you can chew and suck on your star blanket until you pass out on your own. You learned to army crawl just last week. It is fun watching you. You are such a determined little boy. You see what you want across the room and scoot your way over to it as fast as you can. Before you knew how to scoot, you would roll to your destination. Even turning the right direction for your rolling skills to get you to the correct end point. I have a bunch of pictures of you getting stuck under things. You still get stuck under a lot even with the army crawl. The only difference now is you can usually get yourself out of it! Ry and Kennel love to "lead" you places. They hold a toy that you like (usually my flip flop) in front of your face and slowly walk away from you. You, of course, follow. You love to clap, high five, and attack our cheeks with slobbery kisses. You have 2 teeth and you like to bite now too. You weighed a whopping 14 pounds at your appointment when you were sick last week. I think it's a little low since you hadn't eaten in 2 days by that time. So we have a plan for you to eat daddy's protein smoothies to get you back on track!

You like to eat some "real" food now. You like to shove so many cheerios in your mouth, you end up choking. As you choke, you are shoving more into your mouth. You like ice-cream (of course), love yogurt every morning, little pieces of my donuts, mac and cheese, and you can drink through a straw. You don't love to chew. You still try to swallow everything whole, hence the choking on cheerios. Maybe you will be our fast eater?! You love all kinds of crackers and drinking bottles especially in the middle of the night. After you have your middle of the night bottle, you pass out and I like to hold you a little extra.

I want you to know that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. You are so determined. I want you to remember that you are a fighter. You fought for this life and you don't want to skip a beat. I want you to know that you will catch up. You have only been scooting for a week and already yesterday decided to get up on your knees a few times. I want you to know that we celebrated your birthday by walking. Grandpa and Grandma Soptich, Aunt Sar, Uncle Kyle, Aunt Manda and Ellie, Miss Holly, Joanna and Roy, and your sisters and dad and I walked 3 miles with you. We did this for a lot of reasons. One is to  raise money to help babies that are born too early. I want you to know that it was the perfect way to close a roller coaster year. I want you to know you are strong. I want you to remember what it feels like to be close to your Heavenly Father. I want you to remember you will always have his strength behind you. I want you to know that we celebrate you everyday. You are our favorite brother, our powerful son, and our greatest story to tell. I want you to know that you will change people. You have been changing lives since the day you came into this world. We love you, Eli. Happy 1st Birthday.

About the Day Eli Came to Our Family

This is a long one, but a very special part of our lives that has to be shared :) Even when Eli is 18, we will be sharing his story!

At 23 weeks into my pregnancy with Eli, I started to have high blood pressure.  It was around 140/90. Dr. Garde had me start Labetalol (medicine for HBP) once a day. I had also experienced this with Rylin but it didn’t begin until 34 weeks. We made it safely to 37 weeks. She was only 4 pounds 9 ounces but healthy as could be and I had a complete normal pregnancy with Kendall.

At 27 weeks my high blood pressure was still around 140/90 on the medicine. Dr. Garde   quadrupled my amount of Labetalol and told me to take it easy and spend as much time as possible laying on my left side. Baby boy was a little small but doing fine.  

At 29 weeks Dr. Garde added one more dose of medicine and put me on complete bed rest. I believe my BP was averaging around 160/100 or so. My amniotic fluid was now a little low and baby was measuring a little too small. Luckily, we have a ton of family around to help, and they all jumped right in and took over and a lot of friends started bringing meals. 

On May 3, (day 5 of bed rest) my friend Kara came to keep me company. Funny thing is that my blood pressure was consistently staying around 120/80! I noticed after she left that evening that baby boy hadn’t been moving a ton. I decided it was probably just because I had too much time to sit and pay attention since I was laying down holding still all day. I remember talking to a few people on the phone and mentioning that he hadn’t moved a lot, but also acknowledging that my “mothers intuition” would kick in if there was a real problem. So I tried to relax. 

*blessing/miracle: this is also the same day we (after 2 months) FINALLY got approved to put the kids and my pregnancy on a state health care plan. 

On May 4th, I spent the whole day waiting for baby to move, and he did. He rolled a few times, and nudged me a few times. Nothing as strong as usual, no sharp jabs or kicks to the pelvic bone or ribs. As the evening went on I began to get more worried. My sister in law Amanda made us dinner and hung out for a while. I think my niece (then 6 months) knew something was wrong because she was pretty upset the whole evening which is unusual for her. I tried to sleep, but failed because I was getting really nervous. I had been continuously pushing on my stomach all day trying to get a response from him, only feeling those little nudges. 

On May 5th, I fell asleep around 1 am. I woke up an hour or 2 later to check for movement again, after basically pushing him around in my stomach I felt him do a little roll. I dozed off. Woke again at about 5 am. Got up for a while and then laid in the recliner. This woke Rylin up and she seemed nervous too. I still had not felt a strong movement from baby. I was beginning to get really worried. I texted my doc and told her what was going on. She told us to come in right away to labor and delivery to see what was up. My intuition had kicked in, although I hoped I was over reacting. Grandma Soptich came to sit with the girls until Uncle J could come after work at 7am. Once we got to the hospital -30min drive- I was hooked up to the monitors and baby’s heart rate was pretty good (moment of relief), but he still wasn’t moving a lot. My doctor had the nurses start IV fluids. As we look back, this is when Dustin says he knew something was up, I was started on IV fluids and hadn’t even seen the Doctor yet. My BP was super high at this point. After a while of waiting, the ultrasound tech came in to check for a few things. The first thing they looked for were the black pockets (amniotic fluid) around the baby so they can measure them. The tech was looking everywhere and couldn’t find a black pocket big enough to measure. That is when I knew there was a problem, a big problem. I looked at Dustin and I lost it, before the tech could say anything I knew we had a huge problem. No fluid around our sweet boy. In Dustin’s terms “he was saran wrapped in there” and he really was. After not seeing what they wanted on the ultrasound, Dr Garde came in and said “you earned yourself a helicopter ride to Seattle”. There was no fluid and my BP was super high. She told us that she wasn’t sure how long I would stay pregnant down there. That our baby would probably be delivered in -max- 2 days. Enough time to allow for steroid shots for his lungs. Dustin left to go home to get some things. While he was gone, the helicopter decided it was too windy to fly and I had to go by ambulance. At that point, I had had one steroid shot and they had started magnesium in my IV. After begging Dr. Garde to come with me, I soon was on my way to Seattle, alone, with Dustin hopefully not too far behind. 

*blessing/miracle: the ability to text our OB at 5 am, making it possible to avoid the debacle of trying to contact whoever was on call which would have cost us a few more hours. Do you know how much we LOVE Dr. Garde?

It was a long 2 hour ambulance ride. It felt like we were going 30mph. I texted a few friends to let them know what was going on. I received texts from family saying they had already prayed for us. I still get choked up when I remember the feeling of comfort knowing that I had parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends dropping everything they were doing to get on their knees to pray for us as soon as they heard the news. It is an indescribable feeling. When we were about 20 minutes from the hospital I, of course, was looking out the back of the ambulance and had noticed we passed a dumped over milk truck, and the traffic was beginning to pile up behind it. I knew Dustin and his dad would get stuck behind it. We barely missed the backup as it was. 

*blessing/miracle: not getting trapped in the traffic. 

When we arrived at UWMC, it took maybe 10ish minutes until I was in my room. A few minutes after this, two nurses were helping get baby on the monitor. My heart rate was in the 80s. One nurse got worried and said that the baby’s was in the 80s as well. Exactly the same as mine. The other nurse said that it was my heart rate and we hadn’t found the baby’s yet. In comes doctor #1 and we found baby on the ultrasound, his heart rate peaked at 130 then dropped again. This was when the nurse put oxygen on me and I knew it was bad and getting worse. Then came a few more people. The anesthesiologist and his entourage came and started asking me a ton of questions. More people came in. Most importantly, the chief resident Dr.Josh came to the head of the bed. He was the first person to make eye contact with me out of the 20ish people who were in there. He explained that baby wasn’t doing well and asked if anyone was coming to be with me. I told him yes but they were stuck in traffic. I also told him that it didn’t matter, I knew the only solution was to get baby out, so lets get it done. I knew he agreed. I had been in this situation before, not as severe, with the same solution. He decided to get me in the OR to monitor me and the baby to see if there was time to wait. After getting to the OR there was a lot of commotion. I was introduced to someone from the NICU and a few more doctors that would be there to help the baby. That is when I realized the journey we were about to make. Dr. Josh and the first doctor kept glancing between each other and the monitors, it didn’t look good. So he made the executive decision to deliver the baby, right away. As I was laying on a cold table, half naked, shaking uncontrollably, with everyone else running around and looking at the monitors, I watched and listened to the conversation between the anesthesiologist and the doctors, trying to hear, trying not to rip the oxygen mask off my face because I couldn’t breath. Epidural? No, it would take too long. Spinal? No, blood pressure too high. I prayed in my mind they would just knock me out all the way and get it over with. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be awake when they got baby boy out of me, I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing him with out my husband by my side. Dr. Josh must have read my mind because he said there wasn’t enough time. Before I knew it, I was being prepped for my cesarean section and counting backward from 10. I was so tired and I remember thinking “don’t close your eyes, because they will think you are passed out when you really aren’t and then start to cut!”. 

The next thing I remember was was hearing my name. I was dreaming. In my dream I remember seeing Ry and her best girl cousin, Brin, walking away from me holding hands. It was sweet. Then I remembered everything and: Ouch! My stomach! The rest is a blur. I semi-remember being rolled into my room. I know that Dustin was there. He was talking to Dr. Josh and said something about his mission and I just remember the two of them laughing because were are all Mormon. 

*blessing/miracle: out of the millions of doctors at the Hospital, I know Dr. Josh was meant to be the one with us. He helped us in so many ways. At some point, I will share more about HIS experience that day.

There were many blessings and miracles that happened to us during the week Eli was born. The few that I listed are just the ones that stand out the most. 

Things That Are Meant To Be

The first time I was pregnant, I developed a pattern. It started when I miscarried that pregnancy. Next, we had a perfectly beautiful baby girl. About one and a half years later, I miscarried again, followed by another healthy beautiful baby girl about a year later. Two years after we had her, I was expecting again.

I was pregnant and was curious if my pattern would continue. If it did, I would lose the pregnancy a few weeks after the positive test. I found out I was pregnant just after Halloween. By Thanksgiving I was smack dab in the middle of the woes of morning (all day) sickness. Towards the 2nd week of December, I was sure all my symptoms were fading. The first ultrasound wasn't scheduled until a few weeks later. I decided I couldn't wait that long, so I called my doctor. In my experience, no symptoms meant no healthy baby growing.

At the ultrasound later that day, everything looked fine. No reason to worry. Eventually I began to feel sick again, another reassurance.

When Eli was born a few months later, he started to get really sick within his first few days of life. He started to turn a grayish dusky blue color and retain fluid. All the nurses, doctors and nurse practitioners were stumped. Finally, when Eli was about a week old, Maneesh (neonatologist) and his team had one last test. It was for me. I needed to be tested for a sickness I could have been carrying called Toxoplasmosis, the kitty litter disease. It is the reason they suggest pregnant women don't clean litter boxes while pregnant. It usually causes miscarriage. Luckily my blood came back negative for this, and a few days later Eli turned a corner and started to do better.

It was after having my blood drawn that I realized how my pattern had been broken. It would have been crazy if I had carried Toxoplasmosis, because in my history it would have meant Eli was supposed to miscarry. We never found out why we had such a sick preemie little mini-boy those first 10 days, but I do know I am thankful the pattern was broken and we have him here with us.

About Our Ten Month Old

 About a year ago, we found out I was carrying a healthy baby boy, about 20 weeks along, but that was last February. Now February is new. It has brought us a 10 month old and it has surprised us.

(Eli at 3 weeks)

Our Ten Month Old claps. He stands in his exersaucer and claps his soft skinned puffy little hands together and smiles his gummy smile ear to ear. Our Ten Month Old thinks we are funny. He squeaks, he growls, he screams, he cries, he laughs. He is happy.

Our Ten Month Old is a baby who wants to eat big boy solid food, but his gag reflex won't let him. While his 10 month old brain tells him to bite a cracker, his 7 1/2 month old gummy mouth won't let him chew. This is something that makes him frustrated. Our Ten Month Old is a boy who wants to be in the middle of all the action and he believes he should be able to, he is a determined little boy who tries so hard to scoot and to move. His brain tells him he can, but his arms and legs won't carry him. Our baby has a 10 month old brain in a 13 pound body.

Our Ten Month Old makes us laugh. He makes smoochy noises, which then makes us all freak out with excitement at a new trick by the baby boy. Our Ten Month Old sits up like a big boy to play with his toys. He drinks from a sippy cup and likes to try feeding himself with a spoon.

Our Tenth Month Old is a healthy boy. A boy who has made it almost through his first winter with no surprise sicknesses. He surprises us every day. He may be different than other babies his age, but he is ours and we love Our Ten Month Old.

(Eli at 10 months)

(*3 weeks after this was written we have been surprised again! Eli eats graham crackers, and vanilla wafers like a champ. He also is learning to scoot and rolling everywhere. He got his first tooth and the second isn't far behind. Just this morning, he decided he knows how to make consonant sounds - dada, blabla, baba, and has been shouting them all day!)

Dear Top 10 - In No Particular Order

#1- Do you remember taking his first pictures? Do you know that the card you made for mothers day from him surprised me? Did you know I cried when I saw it? Do you remember when he started to turn grey and was retaining fluid? Do you remember how puffy his chin was? Do you remember when you helped me hold my baby for the first time when he was 10 days old? Do you remember trying to tape up all his tubes so they wouldn't get yanked out? Do you remember when you came back from vacation, he looked like a whole other baby? Do you remember charting while you held him on your lap on the middle of the night?

#1- Do you remember when nothing in his body was working right? Do you remember when he peed a few cc's and we were ecstatic? Do you remember when we had to leave him at the hospital on Mother's Day, we went to tell him goodbye and you were at the front desk showing off his first teeny tiny poo? Do you remember we had waited 5 days for him to poo? Did you know that you were the first nurse I remembered when I came back? Did you know you made me more comfortable? Do you know you explained how sick he was in a way that helped us understand? Did you know you helped us feel ok with not being there those few first days because you were confident in the care you were giving him?

#1- Do you remember when I told you "the more you laugh at Dustin's jokes, the funnier he thinks he is and the more jokes he will tell?" Do you remember when I came into the room and was "sooooo done" with my best friend, the pump? Do you remember that it was actually everyday that I told you this? Do you remember when you wore two different colored shoes to work and had to cover them up with blue paper booties, so I took a picture? Did you know that picture still makes me laugh? Do you know that you taught me more about breastfeeding that I have known even after having two other babies? Do you remember when he practiced nursing for the first time, he grabbed my thumb and you said you will not forget that for a long time because it was so cute? Do you remember jumping for joy with me when he nursed enough to make a difference in his weight for the first time? Did you really throw away your grouchy pants for good?

#1- Do you know that I am sooooo glad you switched to dayshift? Did you know that even though you were only on that shift for a few weeks while we were there, I realized you are hilarious and I love that we are friends? Do you know that the first time I remember meeting you, I was having a really horrible night. Do you remember that you brought me a cup of ice water and that was the night I became addicted to the crunchy hospital ice? Did you know that I hated always having you crazy nurses get it for me, but I had to get my fill of crunchy hospital ice? Do you remember that you were there when he was extubated? Do you know that he misses your singing?

#1- Do you know that I love your Dansko's? Do you know that in the few weeks before he went home, you played a huge part in his success with bottles? Did you know I always felt ok leaving when you were there at night because I knew you would try your hardest to wake him up for a bottle? Do you remember when you had to stop his feeds because his tummy was kinda big again? Did you know that he discovered his cry that day? That he discovered how loud he could be when he was hungry? Do you remember when you were soooo close to putting his NG tube back in, then he surprised us all and took a full bottle and every bottle from then on?

#1- Do you remember when I bought that dang transformer, Iron-Hide? Do you remember when I sat there for 2 hours trying to turn the robot into the truck? Do you remember that even after those 2 hours, it still was half robot and half truck?  Do you remember when you helped me give him his first bath in his incubator? Do you remember that I had no idea what I was doing? Do you remember that I owe you money still? Do you think you will ever get it? :)

#7- Do you remember the day when our baby was born? Do you remember that time when you were super protective :) and wouldn't let anyone touch him? Did you know then how precious he was? Do you remember that weekend when there were only a few babies in his room and we found out you used to be a cheerleader? Did you know that was one of the best days we had in the NICU? Do you remember when we told you we had a top 10 and you wanted to be #1? Look at you now, you are only #7! Do you remember when we saw you "fast walking" in the parking lot and do you remember you gave Dustin a hug? Did you know that's when we knew you liked us as much as we liked you? Did you know that's why we brought you licorice? Do you remember when the charge nurses started putting you in other rooms away from us? Did you know it was ok because you found him a girlfriend? Did you know it was also ok because you got to help Cohen? Did you know you go to Hawaii too much?

#1- Do you know that you are crazy with all those Ironman's that you do? Do you know how much we loved spending time with you on the slow weekends? Do you know that you helped us have some distractions from the daily routine with all our conversations about normal everyday stuff we had in common (jobs, races, etc)? Do you know I think you are super smart? Do you know I ask a lot of crazy questions? Did you know that you always knew the answer to all my crazy questions? Do you know that your answers always made me feel better because they helped me understand? Do you know I was a little sad when you switched to nights because we missed you those last two weeks we were there?

To the Kimmel Family- Did you know that you were moved to room three because we needed each other? Do you know that after everything we have been through, we could never go on in life without the bond we will share with each other? Do you know how much we will always appreciate what you have been through? Do you know that we admire your strength?

To all the NP's, Neo-Natalogists, Secretaries, RT's, PT's, and everyone else who played a part in our little stint at the NICU- Do you know that you gave us a lifetime of happiness with our little boy? Do you know that you work miracles? Do you know you have the ability to change lives? You changed ours forever. Do you know how we could ever repay you for that?

Do you miss our snack drawer?

Love,
The Soptich's

Dear Lady Who is 30 Weeks Pregnant

I want you to know that when you told me you were 30 weeks pregnant, it scared me. Bringing back all the feelings I had when I was 30 weeks along, and never made it any further. Hearing that made my brain flood with memories of the scariest time of my life thus far. Have I said it was scary? It was scary.

I want you to know a few things about the babe growing inside you. It is a special baby who chose you as an incubator until it is ready to join this world. Right now your baby is growing, sleeping, and even practicing to breath. I want you to know that 30 weeks is a huge milestone for your baby's developement. If born today, he might be able to breath on his own in a few weeks.

I want you to know that he will have ten toes and ten perfect fingers all including perfect miniature fingernails. He will have more hair than you would have thought. He will have really big eyes, that he will only peek open when the lights are dim. He will have a translucent layer of skin covering his bones with no fat for padding. He will like his hands up by his face, and his boney legs will be thrown over the blankets surrounding his little body. Just relaxing, hanging out, like being on a lazy boy recliner.

I want you to know that he knows the sound of your voice and his siblings voices. He will respond to your touch but will think that you are tickling him, so you will have to hold your hand still. He will always calm down when his daddy lays a hand on his tummy, covering his whole stomach. His grandparents won't be able to touch him and it will drive them crazy, but just being able to see him alive and healthy for the time being will make them feel a little better.

I want you to know that you might feel unattached to him at first. He will look like your baby and feel like your baby. He will be everything you expect and nothing you ever imagined. He will begin to feel more like your own and you will become so attached to him, your heart will flutter when you think about him. At first it will be hard to see the teeny tiny clothes he will someday fit. It will be hard to see the nice cards the sweet nurses made for you with his picture on them. It will be hard to see all the pictures of him on the internet and to read all the nice things people are saying to help comfort you and your family.

I want you to know that people will be praying for him. People you have known your whole life will be praying. People that you have not seen since you graduated high school will be praying. People that you have only met a few times will be praying. People who you have never met will be praying. He will have an impact on the lives of people around you. People will want to visit him, to see him while he is on the earth because only time will tell how long he will be here.

I want you to know that he will struggle. He might get sick and leave nothing for the doctors to help him with, but he will be strong and will prove he can do it all on his own time. The same way he did when he chose to be born on that scary day, when you were only 30 weeks along.

Just thought I would let you know,
Ciera

Dear Eli

I want you to know how special your life has been. You are now over 3 months old. You are 7 pounds 5 ounces and keep getting bigger. You like to be held, and get a lot of tummy aches which keep both of us up at night. It makes me feel bad there is nothing I can do for you, but secretly I enjoy the extra cuddle time. You love to roll over. We try to put you on your tummy but you instantly roll to your back. Last week you rolled from your back to your stomach for the first time which scared daddy because you were laying on the couch! You are starting to smile more on purpose. Ry and Tennell absolutely adore you, they cant keep their hands off of you!

I want you to know that on the day you were born, we were prepared to give you a priesthood blessing that same day. To give you a name to be known by in the history books of our family and church. Eventually, Daddy and I felt comfort with the thought of actually waiting until you came home instead. We knew you would come home as a healthy baby boy and we would save the name and blessing for a special day when you could be surrounded by family and friends. On August 7, 2011, your daddy was joined by Grandpas, Great Grandpas, Uncles, and Great Uncles as they surrounded you with the priesthood and blessed you with incredible things from our Heavenly Father. We are so thankful for that day. Thankful for the comfort we felt while still in the hospital after you were born, so thankful we saved your blessing for a day when you could be surrounded by so many friends and family who, 3 months before, were praying for you to live. 

I want you to know that many people prayed for your safe arrival, prayed for you while you were sick, prayed for you to grow, and still pray for you now that you are home. I know that it is because of all these prayers, that you are with us. I cannot even begin to list the names of all those who have told me about the prayers they say for you. They, too, know how special you are.

I want you to know how you have changed me. You showed me how to be close to our heavenly father. The day before you were born, you showed me the voice of the spirit. I have never been able to listen to the still small voice like I did beginning that day. It became louder in the weeks following your birth, and has now started to quiet down. I miss being so close with the spirit, but I know it can return loudly when I need it the most. 

I want you to know that I love your daddy. That I have felt even closer to him than before your birth. He is my best friend. He keeps me strong. He was the voice of reason that day. It was his idea to save your baby blessing for when you came home. He was and is the strongest man I know. I hope you can grow to be exactly like him, a worthy priesthood holder, a hard working husband, a leader in the church, a playful and involved father, and much more.

I want you to know that your sisters pray for you. That they will always care for you. They will always be there for you. There will come a time where you will be a protector for them as they have been for you, because that is what a brother is for. They will need you forever, we all need each other forever. I want you to know that you are a lucky boy. Your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and great grandparents adore you. 

Most of all, your sisters, daddy and I love you. I hope you will always know that. I hope you know you are with us for a reason, and you get to stay with us for eternity, guaranteed. 

Love,

Mom


(originally written 8/11/11)